You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.