Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.