WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
That’s incredible! 👌
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.