*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Many hands make light work
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.