Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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May have had one breakfast too many
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?