Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
consequences, the bane of my existence
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.