ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
bad news gang
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.