Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Something Saturday.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*