If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I like long walks away from everyone
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”