[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
this has done me in for some reason
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”