Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.