“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.