My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Monday Lisa
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.