[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
the dark web is just a goth google.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.