If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many