If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?