5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
this has done me in for some reason
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did