My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
This is my pinned tweet
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.