Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S