“I wouldn’t.”
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My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed