God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*