the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*