Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The struggle is real
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?