Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You Might Also Like
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die