Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I want to meet the individual who made this
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Spam popsicles.
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