If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me