Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?