[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Extremely relatable.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp