“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
greetings!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’