always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Please do it!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
File under excellent bookstore names.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf