*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You Might Also Like
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.