SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
This dude got his own movie?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o