“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try