Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir