Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
You Might Also Like
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot