I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You Might Also Like
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.