Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.