Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.