commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
R.I.P.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart