I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
buying dead houseplants to save time
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME