I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
You Might Also Like
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I already tried new things thanks.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
motivation
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice