(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible