BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The Punning Dead.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.