They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
this is literally a CIA plant
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?