I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up