Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Breaking news:
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.