Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
greetings!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.