the saddest jazz hands ever
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.