Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.