GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job